Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Out to My Sister

Well if I haven't mentioned this before I'm out to my Sister. She was told ages ago by my Ex-Wife at the beginning of Summer. Since she was told though she hasn't mentioned a thing and now there exists this kind of awkwardness about it. My wife said she would speak to her if I wanted to but I think I should do it. It would clear the air.

Well my job ended at the beginning of the Summer and to be honest I'm glad to see the back of it. Been trying to find a Job and had an interview and got down to the last two and just missed out. I cocked up one of the questions.

Haven't really dressed in a while although last Saturday my wife bought me a top and skirt from Matalan so at the very least I should make the effort. The worst part of dressing up for me is the make-up. Not that I don't like doing it I do, but I'm not that good at it. I did think about going to the local college to get some lessons on doing it. I really don't want to go to anyone to have a make over because I won't learn anything and besides it isn't cheap is it.

When I do dress I do get a thrill going out but the downside is I'm not that confident about it. I think it's got a lot to do with my weight and have begun to do something about it. Half a stone so far. Been swimming about 4 times a week (20 lengths) and it has helped me feel better as well. When I do venture out people do stare but I think its probably more out of curiosity than anything else. Had a few people snickering but it has damaged me.

Tomorrow come what may I shall take the bit between my teeth, dress up and go out. Now I've said it I feel I really want to do it. I would love to spend a whole week just being Carolyn and doing what I normally do with all the normal interactions.

My wife said she would paint my nails tonight but going to the swimming pool tomorrow will raise some eyebrows I'm sure. I spoke with someone who I met and she wears clear nail polish most of the time.

If anyone has any ideas about where to go and what to do without getting too many stares I would appreciate your recommendation.

Sunday, 26 May 2013

Dressed for the 1st time in front Julie

In my last post I told you about coming out to my Julie. Well yesterday she visited me and my wife. We had the general chat about each others families. S and Julie started to talk about crafting which they are both very interested in.

Anyway over a cup of coffee Julie spied some costume jewellery on a small coffee table. She asked if they were mine and even before I could properly answer she put the bracelets on me along with two rings. S then said well you might as well get dressed. I was very nervous and my reluctance was overcome by Julie encouraging me.

It was the fastest I've ever got dressed. So coming down the stairs without my makeup was a little bit daunting but as soon as Julie saw me she started to compliment me. I can't tell you how happy it made me. Julie said she would paint my nails and she chose the colour. S did my make up and I was so happy. Julie stayed for about two hours and there was I, Carolyn, fully dressed in front of two women who fully accepted me as I am.

When Julie left S and me spent the evening with music and a glass of wine.

This is me with Julie in the garden.

Friday, 10 May 2013

Out to my Friend

Well a short while ago I mentioned about telling my friend Julie about my crossdressing. We have been friends for about 20 years and I was unsure how she would react when I told her. I was invited to hers for a cuppa last Tuesday. While there we had the usual chit chat about things when I said that I felt a bit embarrassed about something. She obviously asked what it was. So I just said that my Sister found out that I was a crossdresser. She immediately said "How did she find out?" And that's how Julie got to know about my crossdressing. I showed her some photos of me dressed and she complimented me. She was fantastic about it all and even suggested that I dress up and go out shopping with her. I told her things weren't that simple and that at times I felt low and even embarrassed about dressing and being seen. She pushed those doubts aside and gave me more encouragement to go out dressed and cited occasions where she had seen other crossdressers out and about. Even when I raised concerns about being ridiculed she pushed them aside and then said don't worry about them just do what you want to do.

That was a truly an amazing reaction and so much better than I thought it would be. But I just can't keep it all to myself anymore. She lives just down the road and sooner of later a neighbour will see anyway and I thought it better that she find out from me than from them.

With regards to my work situation it isn't getting any better and is in fact deteriorating and I don't think I can hang on to my job for much longer. It's causing me some problems as I think at my age, 57, despite reassurances about age discrimination it will be difficult to find another. So things are going to get a little tight and we are thinking of moving to a smaller property to help with the finances.

Well no matter what happens today and where we go I'm definitely going to dress up and have a girly day. My wife is still in bed and I don't know what we'll do but she said that we'll stay local-ish this weekend. It will be nice to spend the weekend together and we don't get much chance to do our own thing. She deserves the extra lay-in because she has very early starts (alarm goes off at 5.45am).

I read the TES article yesterday 'When Sir Becomes Miss' told about the tragedy of Lucy Meadows and I found it shocking that she was hounded by the press in what the Editor described as 'Venemous'. The article has references to others that have transitioned without any problems and gives a statistic that 1 in a 100 staff  be affected by being transgendered. That's an amazing statistic and if you then include Transvestites then the figure has to be higher. So what about the 'inbetweeners'? Those of us who describe ourselves as Crossdressers or Transvestites? Where do we fit in? So it does seem to me that Transsexuals are becoming more acceptable than it is to be a Transvestite.  That is not to say it isn't difficult to transition as the case of Lucy Meadows testifies. So those of us who remain in the closet, so to speak, are more heavily discriminated against. How do you tell your boss that on Monday I would like to be known as Tina but on Tuesday I'll be Bob again but on Wednesday although I'll be Bob I will be wearing nail varnish, earrings and lipstick! As you can see we still have a long way to go. Prejudice is every where and those of us who are part of the Trans Community have a long way to go as well. How can we hope to persuade others to accept us as we are when within our own community prejudice is rife. How many times have Transsexuals, both pre and post op, segregated themselves apart from those they describe as Hairy Panty Wearers and dismiss there feelings like their own experience is the only legitimate one. Let us look at our own community first before we judge the wider community because if we can't accept the spectrum of colours within then how can we ask those in 'Vanila World' to accept what we can't.

Lucy Meadows shouldn't become an old headline where in a news story she was called 'Selfish' but we should remember her struggle and remember how difficult her life was and that what she did she did she did for all of us.

It is strange that the newspaper that was so vitriolic about Lucy should publish, yesterday, an interesting article about a photographer, Mariette Pathy Allen, who has been photographing crossdressers for 35 years. The headline reads 'Beyond wigs and makeup: Photographer spends 35 years capturing cross-dressers on camera in a mission to 'de-freakify' them' You can read the article and look at the photos here

It's a fascinating article and well worth the read. Some of the photos are amazing and this kind of positive image of us is very encouraging.

Monday, 6 May 2013

Bank Holiday Monday

Well my work problems still exist and if anything they are getting worse. Now my colleagues and my staff are all aware of something going on but they aren't all exactly sure what. This weekend hasn't therefore been the best for me but last night I changed my outlook and thought wtf. When it happens it happens.

Encouraged by my wife, S, I put my glad rags on and went out. I drove around to different places with a view to going for a walk but in the end stayed in the car and just spent an hour being Carolyn and enjoying myself.

I have recently made contact with a couple of people I used to know from a club in Shoreditch that I used to go to called London Friend it was a TV/TS group run by Yvonne Sinclair. I've heard she hasn't been in good health and I wish her all my best. I've made arrangements to meet these people in the not too distant future.

S said that later today we'll go for a drive and a walk. I'm looking forward to that.

Saturday, 27 April 2013

Another crap week at work. The only thing left is to crossdress.

Well my senior management won't let up and I've had another bad week at work. I wonder why I bother putting all that effort in to it. Perhaps I should just cruise like so many others do. The only thing left to do it dress up. Put some feminine attire on and chill for the weekend.

My wife, S, the treasure that she is bought me a book.

You have to get your head around the fact that it's written for the American market and the majority of web links are aimed at that. I'm still reading and it hasn't yet motivated me to change.

And so I'm off to get my glad rags on and chill some more.

Saturday, 20 April 2013

So much can happen in one week

There are many maxims in life but the two that always stick out in my mind are a week is a long time in politics and never resign. Well I can say that in my job it is very political but with a small p. This is bigger than office politics but it is a very large organisation dealing with thousands of people each day and every manager has to watch their back and I'm no different. Our senior manager has the power and the ability to make you a hero in the morning and then villain by the time you leave work.

Needless to say I've had the week from hell. I had all my products and systems under the scrutiny of a government inspector. Have you ever had that feeling that they knew what to look for because someone else had given them the heads up. Well that happened to me. This inspector spent so much time on a small part of my job that has had problems from day 1 but is such a small part of what I do. He was looking for problems and knew what to look for and find what he wanted. Then he fed back to me, my management team and my senior managers and he was reasonably positive. It pleased me, because the report I had done some months before, had correctly identified the problem areas and what needed to be done to rectify it. During his three day inspection he spent an inordinate amount of time with one particular area and with one particular member of my staff. The alarms bells were ringing all the time during his visit until his final report.

Now you might think I'm paranoid and I could have some sympathy with that view. So if I think my senior managers don't like what I'm doing then they must have been very disappointed in the outcome of the inspection. So I and my team left work very late on Thursday evening breathing a sigh of relief. Back to work yesterday to pick up the pieces of the inspection and with me feeling, to be honest, a bit smug at the result but it didn't last long.

The CEO made a visit and queried three members of my staff who told him they were dissatisfied with the inspectors report and that it didn't go far enough. So he asked there opinion of me. They didn't give him a favourable report on me and pointed to some weaknesses in our system. A weakness that I had already highlighted in my report and had been deemed by the inspector to be within tolerable limits but should be improved within the coming months. They also told him that a meeting called by my junior manager hadn't taken place because he failed to arrive. He sent me an email complaining bitterly about this. He pointed out what he said were significant weaknesses in my management because of this meeting not taking place and staff perceptions. The problem of course is that before I could respond to his first email which was sent before the meeting was arranged to place he then sent a further email out with more allegations about my ability as a manager.

Of course I had to respond to the first email pointing out that the meeting was arranged for 11am and therefore my junior could not have been late as he had sent his email out with a time stamp of 10.59 and therefore he must have spoken to him before this and that my junior manager wasn't late and told him he jumped to conclusions too soon about my culpability before he was in full knowledge of the facts. Of course he didn't like this so he then sent a further email and made further allegations. So endeth the working day. I left early completely fed up and pissed off. I was unable because of my mental state to complete two reports needed for Monday. I suppose on Monday I should walk around with a sign saying "Dead Man Walking". To be honest I don't know where to go with it. All I know is that me and my junior manager are exhausted. By lunchtime today we had worked more that 60 hours! What ever happened to the working time agreement?

Still trying to put work behind  me but the prospect of work on Monday looms above my like a dark cloud.

Last weekend my Ex, Jax, said she was going to have a heart to heart with my sister. They are best friends and I have a good relationship with Jax. Jax said that if she felt it was right she would raise with her the subject of crossdressing and if she felt she was accepting of it she would tell her about my crossdressing. Jax knows how much I struggle with it and I have always felt that if more people who were accepting of it knew then it would make life easier for me. Well Jax call last Sunday evening to tell me that she did have that conversation with her and she told her about me and how much I struggle with crossdressing and to my surprise she said that she was ok with it. I haven't spoken with my Sister since last week about this and to be honest I'm a bit nervous about it. Not sure what to say about it all. Last Sunday she sent me a text message after she found out. It said "Hi hope u are ok you will always be my brother and I will love you always xxx ring me when u can"  I haven't called her but I made excuses about being really busy, which I was, and despite the postive message from her I'm still very nervous about it. I don't even know how to start the conversation. I will have to speak with her today. I will probably send her a text message.

Last Saturday I dressed to go out with my wife and we went to Basildon Town Centre. Of all the places to travel to. I didn't go for a walk about there but I did get out of the car and buy the parking ticket. It was very busy as you can imagine for a Saturday and I got the usual odd looks.

S then drove me to a park and I went out for a walk there. Once again the few people that were there gave me odd looks. I'm not sure if it's more accepting to others if you,re out walking with a female or not.
If it was a warmer I could have spent more time there. I felt quite relaxed about being out and about. Because I feel so comfortable with what I'm wearing and the way I look it gives me confidence. It's all thanks to S who has toyed with the idea of a doing a dressing and friend service as a business to the crossdressing community.
I spent about an hour walking in the park and had a really nice time. My new friend J who I met a few weeks back wants to meet up again. He is very accepting of me as Carolyn and it's really refreshing to have a male friend like that and to be relaxed in the company of others.
I am still keen about my new hobby of sewing and will try and make a 'Tie Bag'. I hope it won't be difficult but I'll try and post the photos later perhaps.
Go to dress up today after such a stressful week. It will help.

Sunday, 14 April 2013

Sunday 14th August 2013

Since my last blog I've made two more things. Still inspired by the Great British Sewing Bee. I've just got the book that accompanies the series too. How sad, I know I can't help myself. The second of my projects after the bag I made was a Pin Cushion shown here.

I learnt from this. My hand sewing hasn't yet been perfected and making it wasn't without its trials and tribulations. I found that I had to make the wrist band with the aid of the sewing machine. My first use of a sewing machine. It was enlightening to say the least.

My third project was to make a mini skirt from an old red flat sheet. I made loads of mistakes while doing it, but once again it was a steep learning curve. My wife kindly modelled it for me.

I would appreciate any comments you have that could help me improve. The process was simple enough but my skills weren't really up to the task. My main aim still remains the same i.e. to make my own dresses and skirts and this was just the first.

One thing is for sure is that I really do need to get lessons. I appreciate all the advice my wife is giving me doing this.

While I blog I'm watching for the umpteenth time Star Trek (The Prequel). I really love Sci Fi. It's amazing how many transvestites are into it. Perhaps we are the true aliens lol.