Out to my Friend

Well a short while ago I mentioned about telling my friend Julie about my crossdressing. We have been friends for about 20 years and I was unsure how she would react when I told her. I was invited to hers for a cuppa last Tuesday. While there we had the usual chit chat about things when I said that I felt a bit embarrassed about something. She obviously asked what it was. So I just said that my Sister found out that I was a crossdresser. She immediately said "How did she find out?" And that's how Julie got to know about my crossdressing. I showed her some photos of me dressed and she complimented me. She was fantastic about it all and even suggested that I dress up and go out shopping with her. I told her things weren't that simple and that at times I felt low and even embarrassed about dressing and being seen. She pushed those doubts aside and gave me more encouragement to go out dressed and cited occasions where she had seen other crossdressers out and about. Even when I raised concerns about being ridiculed she pushed them aside and then said don't worry about them just do what you want to do.

That was a truly an amazing reaction and so much better than I thought it would be. But I just can't keep it all to myself anymore. She lives just down the road and sooner of later a neighbour will see anyway and I thought it better that she find out from me than from them.

With regards to my work situation it isn't getting any better and is in fact deteriorating and I don't think I can hang on to my job for much longer. It's causing me some problems as I think at my age, 57, despite reassurances about age discrimination it will be difficult to find another. So things are going to get a little tight and we are thinking of moving to a smaller property to help with the finances.

Well no matter what happens today and where we go I'm definitely going to dress up and have a girly day. My wife is still in bed and I don't know what we'll do but she said that we'll stay local-ish this weekend. It will be nice to spend the weekend together and we don't get much chance to do our own thing. She deserves the extra lay-in because she has very early starts (alarm goes off at 5.45am).

I read the TES article yesterday 'When Sir Becomes Miss' told about the tragedy of Lucy Meadows and I found it shocking that she was hounded by the press in what the Editor described as 'Venemous'. The article has references to others that have transitioned without any problems and gives a statistic that 1 in a 100 staff  be affected by being transgendered. That's an amazing statistic and if you then include Transvestites then the figure has to be higher. So what about the 'inbetweeners'? Those of us who describe ourselves as Crossdressers or Transvestites? Where do we fit in? So it does seem to me that Transsexuals are becoming more acceptable than it is to be a Transvestite.  That is not to say it isn't difficult to transition as the case of Lucy Meadows testifies. So those of us who remain in the closet, so to speak, are more heavily discriminated against. How do you tell your boss that on Monday I would like to be known as Tina but on Tuesday I'll be Bob again but on Wednesday although I'll be Bob I will be wearing nail varnish, earrings and lipstick! As you can see we still have a long way to go. Prejudice is every where and those of us who are part of the Trans Community have a long way to go as well. How can we hope to persuade others to accept us as we are when within our own community prejudice is rife. How many times have Transsexuals, both pre and post op, segregated themselves apart from those they describe as Hairy Panty Wearers and dismiss there feelings like their own experience is the only legitimate one. Let us look at our own community first before we judge the wider community because if we can't accept the spectrum of colours within then how can we ask those in 'Vanila World' to accept what we can't.

Lucy Meadows shouldn't become an old headline where in a news story she was called 'Selfish' but we should remember her struggle and remember how difficult her life was and that what she did she did she did for all of us.

It is strange that the newspaper that was so vitriolic about Lucy should publish, yesterday, an interesting article about a photographer, Mariette Pathy Allen, who has been photographing crossdressers for 35 years. The headline reads 'Beyond wigs and makeup: Photographer spends 35 years capturing cross-dressers on camera in a mission to 'de-freakify' them' You can read the article and look at the photos here http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2322309/Beyond-wigs-makeup-Photographer-spends-35-years-capturing-cross-dressers-camera-mission-freakify-them.html

It's a fascinating article and well worth the read. Some of the photos are amazing and this kind of positive image of us is very encouraging.

Bank Holiday Monday

Well my work problems still exist and if anything they are getting worse. Now my colleagues and my staff are all aware of something going on but they aren't all exactly sure what. This weekend hasn't therefore been the best for me but last night I changed my outlook and thought wtf. When it happens it happens.

Encouraged by my wife, S, I put my glad rags on and went out. I drove around to different places with a view to going for a walk but in the end stayed in the car and just spent an hour being Carolyn and enjoying myself.

I have recently made contact with a couple of people I used to know from a club in Shoreditch that I used to go to called London Friend it was a TV/TS group run by Yvonne Sinclair. I've heard she hasn't been in good health and I wish her all my best. I've made arrangements to meet these people in the not too distant future.

S said that later today we'll go for a drive and a walk. I'm looking forward to that.

Another crap week at work. The only thing left is to crossdress.

Well my senior management won't let up and I've had another bad week at work. I wonder why I bother putting all that effort in to it. Perhaps I should just cruise like so many others do. The only thing left to do it dress up. Put some feminine attire on and chill for the weekend.

My wife, S, the treasure that she is bought me a book.

You have to get your head around the fact that it's written for the American market and the majority of web links are aimed at that. I'm still reading and it hasn't yet motivated me to change.

And so I'm off to get my glad rags on and chill some more.

So much can happen in one week

There are many maxims in life but the two that always stick out in my mind are a week is a long time in politics and never resign. Well I can say that in my job it is very political but with a small p. This is bigger than office politics but it is a very large organisation dealing with thousands of people each day and every manager has to watch their back and I'm no different. Our senior manager has the power and the ability to make you a hero in the morning and then villain by the time you leave work.

Needless to say I've had the week from hell. I had all my products and systems under the scrutiny of a government inspector. Have you ever had that feeling that they knew what to look for because someone else had given them the heads up. Well that happened to me. This inspector spent so much time on a small part of my job that has had problems from day 1 but is such a small part of what I do. He was looking for problems and knew what to look for and find what he wanted. Then he fed back to me, my management team and my senior managers and he was reasonably positive. It pleased me, because the report I had done some months before, had correctly identified the problem areas and what needed to be done to rectify it. During his three day inspection he spent an inordinate amount of time with one particular area and with one particular member of my staff. The alarms bells were ringing all the time during his visit until his final report.

Now you might think I'm paranoid and I could have some sympathy with that view. So if I think my senior managers don't like what I'm doing then they must have been very disappointed in the outcome of the inspection. So I and my team left work very late on Thursday evening breathing a sigh of relief. Back to work yesterday to pick up the pieces of the inspection and with me feeling, to be honest, a bit smug at the result but it didn't last long.

The CEO made a visit and queried three members of my staff who told him they were dissatisfied with the inspectors report and that it didn't go far enough. So he asked there opinion of me. They didn't give him a favourable report on me and pointed to some weaknesses in our system. A weakness that I had already highlighted in my report and had been deemed by the inspector to be within tolerable limits but should be improved within the coming months. They also told him that a meeting called by my junior manager hadn't taken place because he failed to arrive. He sent me an email complaining bitterly about this. He pointed out what he said were significant weaknesses in my management because of this meeting not taking place and staff perceptions. The problem of course is that before I could respond to his first email which was sent before the meeting was arranged to place he then sent a further email out with more allegations about my ability as a manager.

Of course I had to respond to the first email pointing out that the meeting was arranged for 11am and therefore my junior could not have been late as he had sent his email out with a time stamp of 10.59 and therefore he must have spoken to him before this and that my junior manager wasn't late and told him he jumped to conclusions too soon about my culpability before he was in full knowledge of the facts. Of course he didn't like this so he then sent a further email and made further allegations. So endeth the working day. I left early completely fed up and pissed off. I was unable because of my mental state to complete two reports needed for Monday. I suppose on Monday I should walk around with a sign saying "Dead Man Walking". To be honest I don't know where to go with it. All I know is that me and my junior manager are exhausted. By lunchtime today we had worked more that 60 hours! What ever happened to the working time agreement?

Still trying to put work behind  me but the prospect of work on Monday looms above my like a dark cloud.

Last weekend my Ex, Jax, said she was going to have a heart to heart with my sister. They are best friends and I have a good relationship with Jax. Jax said that if she felt it was right she would raise with her the subject of crossdressing and if she felt she was accepting of it she would tell her about my crossdressing. Jax knows how much I struggle with it and I have always felt that if more people who were accepting of it knew then it would make life easier for me. Well Jax call last Sunday evening to tell me that she did have that conversation with her and she told her about me and how much I struggle with crossdressing and to my surprise she said that she was ok with it. I haven't spoken with my Sister since last week about this and to be honest I'm a bit nervous about it. Not sure what to say about it all. Last Sunday she sent me a text message after she found out. It said "Hi hope u are ok you will always be my brother and I will love you always xxx ring me when u can"  I haven't called her but I made excuses about being really busy, which I was, and despite the postive message from her I'm still very nervous about it. I don't even know how to start the conversation. I will have to speak with her today. I will probably send her a text message.

Last Saturday I dressed to go out with my wife and we went to Basildon Town Centre. Of all the places to travel to. I didn't go for a walk about there but I did get out of the car and buy the parking ticket. It was very busy as you can imagine for a Saturday and I got the usual odd looks.

 

 

S then drove me to a park and I went out for a walk there. Once again the few people that were there gave me odd looks. I'm not sure if it's more accepting to others if you,re out walking with a female or not.

 

 

 

If it was a warmer I could have spent more time there. I felt quite relaxed about being out and about. Because I feel so comfortable with what I'm wearing and the way I look it gives me confidence. It's all thanks to S who has toyed with the idea of a doing a dressing and friend service as a business to the crossdressing community.

 

 

 

I spent about an hour walking in the park and had a really nice time. My new friend J who I met a few weeks back wants to meet up again. He is very accepting of me as Carolyn and it's really refreshing to have a male friend like that and to be relaxed in the company of others.

 

 

I am still keen about my new hobby of sewing and will try and make a 'Tie Bag'. I hope it won't be difficult but I'll try and post the photos later perhaps.

 

Go to dress up today after such a stressful week. It will help.







Sunday 14th August 2013

Since my last blog I've made two more things. Still inspired by the Great British Sewing Bee. I've just got the book that accompanies the series too. How sad, I know I can't help myself. The second of my projects after the bag I made was a Pin Cushion shown here.

I learnt from this. My hand sewing hasn't yet been perfected and making it wasn't without its trials and tribulations. I found that I had to make the wrist band with the aid of the sewing machine. My first use of a sewing machine. It was enlightening to say the least.

My third project was to make a mini skirt from an old red flat sheet. I made loads of mistakes while doing it, but once again it was a steep learning curve. My wife kindly modelled it for me.

I would appreciate any comments you have that could help me improve. The process was simple enough but my skills weren't really up to the task. My main aim still remains the same i.e. to make my own dresses and skirts and this was just the first.

One thing is for sure is that I really do need to get lessons. I appreciate all the advice my wife is giving me doing this.

While I blog I'm watching for the umpteenth time Star Trek (The Prequel). I really love Sci Fi. It's amazing how many transvestites are into it. Perhaps we are the true aliens lol.

Thursday 11th April 2013

Last night I had to plumb the washing machine. It was one of the five minute jobs that actually just about 15 minutes. I was so surprised. Thought it was going to take ages. Still S was on hand to help which made it a lot easier.

Woke up early as usual and started work. I hate working while I'm on leave.

Not a good day weather wise here in the East of England. It's a fine mist rain and visibility down at the coast earlier on was murky. You couldn't see across the estuary. Before leaving this morning in male mode I wore bracelets on both wrists, a girly ring, pink stud earings, lip gloss and mascara. Also went into ASDA like it. People didn't seem to notice. I had a good walk along the seafront despite the weather.

Back home now on the computer checking out my usual websites.

Wednesday 10th April

Just another day except I'm trapped at home waiting for the boys from Argos to deliver a new washing machine. Our old one is Kaput. Yes, I did think about dressing up for when they arrived but I'm not sure who would have been more freaked out by it, me or them? Anyway I've decided not to. Not brave enough but wearing a glittering bracelet and pink crystal stud earings and if that isn't a give away I don't know what will be. Answers on a postcard please :¬) They should arrive somewhere between 1 and 6pm. How crazy is that? When my iPhone was delivered I was told within the hour.

I went for my 2 mile walk this morning at the coast. A bit chilly but not too cold. It looked dismal across the estuary though. I wonder if Kent is getting a lashing. This is day three of my diet and I haven't weighed myself yet. My third day without bread. I think I'm feeling better already for it though.  I also read an article about dieting where it said that a calorie just isn't a calorie. Let me explain. Some calories are easier to burn off than others so it's important to eat the right calories. The article went on to say that those who took up just a low calorie diet weren't always guaranteed to lose much whereas those on say the Atkins diet would lose so much more. I don't even know what the Atkins diet is. I think it was a fad a few years back. I'll have to do some more research.

S and I were thinking about going to see the Rocky Horror Show somewhere but not sure how to dress up. Is there anywhere where you can buy costumes? I would like to know. I suppose we could try and knock something up.

I would like to dress up this afternoon. Not good at doing make-up though and S will be missed when I start to do it.

PM

Washing machine arrives at 2.30. I ask them if they are going to connect it. They say no and I argue with them. I said my wife paid for the connection. They apologise but they don't do connections. I get pissed off and let them know. Turns out my wife thought she paid for the connection but didn't. So now I have to connect it. It's not difficult but could do without the hassle.